Some issues have come up recently with Jack and I. All of them pushing me towards extreme impatience in our relationship and where it’s headed.
At the beginning of the summer, I reached the end of my hypothetical rope of tolerance in our physical relationship. Basically, I said that if we didn’t stop with the physical stuff COMPLETELY, I would need to take a break from our relationship for the duration of time he was in school or until we could be married (which is looking like it isn’t until he is done with school). I knew, and still know, that I can’t tell him no in the moment. When he initiates, 95% of the time I go right along with him, even though I know I shouldn’t and even when I don’t really want to/am not in the mood. My obligation and desire to please him is much stronger. If he can’t be the stronger one, then I shouldn’t be alone with him. I know that if I can’t be alone with him for another second until we get married, I’ll be able to handle it. What I can’t handle is the emotional roller-coaster. Expressing our love is wonderful in the moment, but causes intense heartache in me for the following days or weeks. It makes me miss him, makes me wish I was with him, and makes focusing on my life, interests, and hobbies much more difficult. I don’t know why that is; but I am who I am.
Anyway, we were good for months. All summer, we didn’t lay a hand on each other. It was WONDERFUL. I felt content, happy, and oh so patient. It probably helped that we spent more quality time together, too. No stupid school to get in the way. But now everything is going back to the way it was before. The night before he started school, we messed up again. And that has continued almost every weekend since he’s started. I know its the stress that makes it harder for him to control himself. I’m not mad at him. But I’m reaching the end of my rope again. I can’t keep doing this. And we still have a year before we can stop trying not to “be together” while we’re together.
The more we are physical, the more impatient I feel. It’s unbearable right now.
My jealousy isn’t helping. Young couples all around me, at my church and even my close friends and family are getting engaged and married. So many of them much younger than me. So many of them have gone straight from college to a good job and then straight to marriage. It’s worse when I compare how they have lived their lives with how I’ve lived mine. I know I’m not perfect either and it’s wrong to compare, but I do. I’m human. Sue me.
I have strived my entire life to follow God and do the right thing. I have attempted to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” and have followed after him with a fervor. I have never gone through a “rebellious stage” and have been steadily growing in my faith from childhood. Every decision I have made (for the most part) has been made in consideration of His Will and the well-being of those around me. I strive to show the fruits in my life. And yet, those people I know who have just turned back to God, those who are still struggling with deep rooted sin, people who are mean, selfish, and even malicious towards me and my friends; they are able to have this now. They didn’t have to wait. They get what they want.
I don’t understand. It’s so upsetting.
I know I shouldn’t look at other people. But it’s difficult when what I want is so close, but yet, so far away. It’s hard when the people around me have things handed to them so easily–or those who have not been following Him, turn around and decided to follow Him, and then have everything they’ve ever wanted handed to them on a silver platter.
I think of how what Job said, “Why do the wicked live, reach old age, and grow mighty in power?” As he laments his losses. But, then, I must remember the words of Asaph in Psalm 73 “But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.” He understood how I am feeling, and thus I should take heart what he goes on to say.
“But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors!”
The combination of all of these things make me furious. Furious that we have to wait. Furious that everything, it seems, has set us up for failure. Our natures. Our desires. Our Love. Paul said to the Corinthian singles “…I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Cor 7:8-9)
But we cannot get married. We are “burning with passion” but can’t change our situation. All of this is currently working against us in our desire to wait. Also, we aren’t getting any younger. I’m 26 and have been ready to be married since long before I’ve met him. I’m saying this just to make the point that we aren’t children hoping to hurry and grow up. We are adults that are being forced to live like we’re still teenagers. I can’t get a steady full time job (and trust me, I have been trying) and he’s still in school. Neither of us can support ourselves, let alone each other. It just plain sucks and there’s no other way of looking at it.
I am ranting–a lot. I’m very upset and life is tough. But if I put things in proper perspective, it might help me out a bit.
1) I have an amazing man who wants to marry me. Not everyone has that. I should strive to be so overwhelmed with thankfulness that I can’t focus on what I don’t have.
2) I don’t have a job that allows for self-sustaining, true. But, I have a job. I have a place to live. I have food. I need to thank God for that more often.
3) I am capable of learning from these trials. No, they are not necessary for preparation. God, in my opinion, is not putting me through this just to teach me something. Life sucks sometimes and that is just how it is; but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to learn something from this time in my life. Patience is certainly something I need to work on.
In the end, I love Jack. I love him so much that no matter how long we have to wait, it will be worth it (unless one of us suddenly dies—but that’s not something I want to get into so I’ll just shut up). I’m excited for our life together. Even though it isn’t happening when I wanted it to happen and even though this time is difficult—I must cling to the Lord. I must continue to live for Him so that I can get through this.