Impatience + Jealousy = ANGER

Right now I’m fighting some overwhelming impatience, jealousy, and anger. I’m trying my best not to feel this way, but I’m imperfect. I can’t help it. I have always had issues with patience when it comes to events in my life. I’m overwhelmingly patient with people, but underwhelmingly impatient for things I want. I want to be married to Jack and we have to wait. We have already been waiting. I’m jealous of all the others in my friend-group who are getting things (jobs, marriage etc) waaaaaay before me. The anger is directed at God, which isn’t right, at myself for failing in so many ways and for being so weak, and at our entire situation.

IMPATIENCE

Some issues have come up recently with Jack and I. All of them pushing me towards extreme impatience in our relationship and where it’s headed.

At the beginning of the summer, I reached the end of my hypothetical rope of tolerance in our physical relationship. Basically, I said that if we didn’t stop with the physical stuff COMPLETELY, I would need to take a break from our relationship for the duration of time he was in school or until we could be married (which is looking like it isn’t until he is done with school). I knew, and still know, that I can’t tell him no in the moment. When he initiates, 95% of the time I go right along with him, even though I know I shouldn’t and even when I don’t really want to/am not in the mood. My obligation and desire to please him is much stronger. If he can’t be the stronger one, then I shouldn’t be alone with him. I know that if I can’t be alone with him for another second until we get married, I’ll be able to handle it. What I can’t handle is the emotional roller-coaster. Expressing our love is wonderful in the moment, but causes intense heartache in me for the following days or weeks. It makes me miss him, makes me wish I was with him, and makes focusing on my life, interests, and hobbies much more difficult. I don’t know why that is; but I am who I am.

Anyway, we were good for months. All summer, we didn’t lay a hand on each other. It was WONDERFUL. I felt content, happy, and oh so patient. It probably helped that we spent more quality time together, too. No stupid school to get in the way. But now everything is going back to the way it was before. The night before he started school, we messed up again. And that has continued almost every weekend since he’s started. I know its the stress that makes it harder for him to control himself. I’m not mad at him. But I’m reaching the end of my rope again. I can’t keep doing this. And we still have a year before we can stop trying not to “be together” while we’re together.

The more we are physical, the more impatient I feel. It’s unbearable right now.

JEALOUSY

My jealousy isn’t helping. Young couples all around me, at my church and even my close friends and family are getting engaged and married. So many of them much younger than me. So many of them have gone straight from college to a good job and then straight to marriage. It’s worse when I compare how they have lived their lives with how I’ve lived mine. I know I’m not perfect either and it’s wrong to compare, but I do. I’m human. Sue me.

I have strived my entire life to follow God and do the right thing. I have attempted to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” and have followed after him with a fervor. I have never gone through a “rebellious stage” and have been steadily growing in my faith from childhood. Every decision I have made (for the most part) has been made in consideration of His Will and the well-being of those around me. I strive to show the fruits in my life. And yet, those people I know who have just turned back to God, those who are still struggling with deep rooted sin, people who are mean, selfish, and even malicious towards me and my friends; they are able to have this now. They didn’t have to wait. They get what they want.

I don’t understand. It’s so upsetting.

I know I shouldn’t look at other people. But it’s difficult when what I want is so close, but yet, so far away. It’s hard when the people around me have things handed to them so easily–or those who have not been following Him, turn around and decided to follow Him, and then have everything they’ve ever wanted handed to them on a silver platter.

I think of how what Job said, “Why do the wicked live, reach old age, and grow mighty in power?” As he laments his losses. But, then, I must remember the words of Asaph in Psalm 73 “But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.”  He understood how I am feeling, and thus I should take heart what he goes on to say.

“But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors!”

ANGER

The combination of all of these things make me furious. Furious that we have to wait. Furious that everything, it seems, has set us up for failure. Our natures. Our desires. Our Love. Paul said to the Corinthian singles “…I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Cor 7:8-9)

But we cannot get married. We are “burning with passion” but can’t change our situation. All of this is currently working against us in our desire to wait. Also, we aren’t getting any younger. I’m 26 and have been ready to be married since long before I’ve met him. I’m saying this just to make the point that we aren’t children hoping to hurry and grow up. We are adults that are being forced to live like we’re still teenagers. I can’t get a steady full time job (and trust me, I have been trying) and he’s still in school. Neither of us can support ourselves, let alone each other. It just plain sucks and there’s no other way of looking at it.

TAKE AWAY

I am ranting–a lot. I’m very upset and life is tough. But if I put things in proper perspective, it might help me out a bit.

1) I have an amazing man who wants to marry me. Not everyone has that. I should strive to be so overwhelmed with thankfulness that I can’t focus on what I don’t have.

2)  I don’t have a job that allows for self-sustaining, true. But, I have a job. I have a place to live. I have food. I need to thank God for that more often.

3) I am capable of learning from these trials. No, they are not necessary for preparation. God, in my opinion, is not putting me through this just to teach me something. Life sucks sometimes and that is just how it is; but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to learn something from this time in my life. Patience is certainly something I need to work on.

In the end, I love Jack. I love him so much that no matter how long we have to wait, it will be worth it (unless one of us suddenly dies—but that’s not something I want to get into so I’ll just shut up). I’m excited for our life together. Even though it isn’t happening when I wanted it to happen and even though this time is difficult—I must cling to the Lord. I must continue to live for Him so that I can get through this.

 

Salvation For My Dear Cousin

My cousin is not a Christian.

He would disagree with that statement. But I know he’s not. Not in the way that matters. Not in the way that truly helps him, or the church. I’m not making any claims about his eternal destination. That is not my place or right to question and that is between him and God. But I do know that his fruits are not of the Spirit. He “believes” everything the church teaches about Jesus dying for our sins, etc. He claims he agrees with the Bible. He goes to church regularly. He is a part of a bible study. All of his friends and family are in the church. But he does not live it. He does not bear good fruit–he bears bad fruit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. (Galatians 5:22-25 ESV)

As Christians, we are to be displaying these fruits. It is not a requirement or prerequisite we must meet in order to be accepted, but a natural product of salvation. If you are truly following Christ, these will grow as you continue to pursue the Lord. You will work these fruits into your life because those qualities will be important to you in your understanding of who Christ is and what he has to offer us. My cousin does not work on these fruits. He works on his image, popularity, fleshly desires, his business so that he can make piles of money one day, and that is all. That is all he seeks and pursues. Those are his true loves.

A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. (Matthew 7:18)

Someone who claims to know God and follow him, but does not grow and produce good fruit, has something wrong in their understanding or priorities. The most important things in the world to my cousin is everything but God and following Him. He cares more about doing what he wants, when he wants, and making lots of money. Living a life like Christ comes secondary to his own desires and wishes for fulfillment.

Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. (Matthew 7:19)

However you choose to interpret this verse in your soteriological framework and understanding in tartarology, is irrelevant in understanding the core meaning of the statement; those who do not bear good fruit will not be treated as those who do. They are not favored. They are not blessed or pruned or celebrated. They are discarded, in some fashion. Maybe in this life, maybe in the next. I don’t know. I just know that I want to be the tree that is pruned and bearing fruit, as it should be. I want to function as  I was created to function. This is not important to my cousin.

This next verse, an excerpt from the parable of the seeds, is a prefect example of how my cousin lives his life right now.

And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature. (Luke 8:14)

Life is good for my cousin right now. He is on the way to possibly making TONS and TONS of money, a life goal and dream of his. Something he has valued above all else longer than I can remember. Something his father modeled to him as the most important thing in the world, secondary to EVERYTHING else, including his family.

I don’t know what to say to my cousin to help him see the horrible direction he is headed. I don’t know what to do to help him see that he could be fulfilled, that he could be content, that he could love himself, right where he is. I want him to realize that making lots of money, being popular, having sex whenever he wants, having a big important image, and whatever else he values so much, is NOTHING. Nothing compared to what Christ can offer him.

But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. (Romans 6:22)

Romance/Sex Scenes Hurt

Life has grown increasingly difficult for me in the past couple of months and it is all centered around my now year-old first, and I anticipate last, relationship (because we will be together forever). These are hardships I never anticipated while single. Staying pure. Lust. Over saturating physicality that hijack my emotions for weeks. Depressing and sob-worthy. They affect me in ways I had never even imagined.

Why didn’t I anticipate this, you ask? Shouldn’t it be obvious, since almost every Christian couple struggles with purity, that I would also struggle with it?

But no. I never thought about this issue. Because it has never been an issue for me in all of my life. Which is a blessing, but also a curse, because I couldn’t recognize where things were heading until it was too late. And now it has become the most difficult sin I have ever struggled with in my life.

Porn. Masturbation. Fantasies. None of these compare in my life to my current struggle with my soon-to-be-fiancé. Porn was never really a problem for me. And masturbation was difficult to control for a while, but then I just got bored with it all and pretty much stopped. Those things have never enticed me to tears. They have never filled me with so much longing aside regret so strong it makes me sick to my stomach.

I will never be bored of him like I quickly became with those other things. And yet, we can’t be married for over a year from now. We can’t change that, no matter how much we want to. Going to the court house won’t change the fact that we can’t live together as independent adults. Money is in the way. School is in the way.

So yes, there is an end in sight for my suffering. Unlike when I was single and wondering so often if my thirst would ever be quenched. But that relief is still so far away! I can hardly handle the thought.

I have to take one day at a time. I can’t think about the months that lie ahead, or all the times we have crossed our own boundaries, or it drives me to tears.

And there are things that set me off. Things I need to work to avoid. Things no one ever told me would affect me so greatly now that I have tasted a man. I shouldn’t have ever let him touch me! All you single Christian girls out there who want to stay pure and have never had your first kiss, or have never been intimate, STAY AWAY for as long as you can. Life will be so much easier for you if you do. Trust me!

Horny triggers

#1 – Romance/sex scenes.

These never affected me *at all* before I finally experienced some romance for myself. I use to watch sex scenes and fall asleep. Now they make me horny. Anything that mirrors what I’ve experienced with him—kissing, touching, etc. Those things trigger the longing. They bring me to intimate moments I’ve shared with him. I can almost feel his lips against mine, his hands on my hips, and the power of his stature standing before me, calling me out.

What is worse, after the scenes end, my sexuality and longings often turn sour and make me feel depressed. I have no one to bring my awakened body to. I can’t even find his beautiful face to reassure me that one day, he’ll be mine. Not even his body to snuggle up against. Because he isn’t around. And then I remember that it will be days before I can lay eyes on him again—and months before we can ever fully express ourselves to one another.

I can hardly stand this wait. Sometimes I wonder if being single was easier. It definitely was in this area. My sexuality didn’t have an object of desire, teasing her every single weekend with his handsome face and alpha-male personality. I love him so much and I’m so blessed to be able to experience his love, friendship, and affection. Even if it isn’t fully expressed. This stage of life is a blessing and I wouldn’t remove it from my life, ever. But I would certainly hurry it along, if that were possible. But after over a year of knowing him, and months of knowing he’s “the one,” the year + months of waiting is beginning to look more and more daunting. More and more unbearable.

I’m usually fine. I don’t spend my time yearning for him, or when I’m with him I’m not wishing I was somewhere else in time with him. But when we are too physical, or when I’m missing him through the busy times of the semester, I feel the desire sneak in. It makes me dissatisfied with what I have. We are working on the physicality and I need to try and avoid the triggers. But they aren’t always avoidable. So I’m afraid I have to keep facing this pain for the next year, and then some.

I’m terrified I can’t keep pure throughout this time. I’m also terrified of the painful months of self-inflicted purity that await me. Especially with the endless weekends ahead, where my clothed body is pressed up against his in a warm embrace of loving affection—and all that is running through my mind is the desire for him to take off those clothes.

This is going to be a wonderfully painful experience.

What is racism anymore??

“Ok, who’s next?” I ask my coworker Susan.
“John. The guy over there in a red collared shirt, with blue jeans.” Susan responds.
“There are several men with a red collared shirt and blue jeans…”
“Well, he’s wearing a nice watch too.” She bites her lip, obviously uncomfortable.
“Ok, that narrows things down to two people. Who the heck are you talking about?” I ask, becoming annoyed.
“Well… the one with the shorter hair.”
“Oh you mean the BLACK guy? Why didn’t you just say that in the first place? He’s the only black guy here!” I fume and approach John to invite him into my office. Time wasted for John and time wasted for me, just because my coworker was afraid to mention his race. But was she right to do that? Or wrong?

I think she was wrong.

EVERYTHING is racist these days. Pointing out someones skin color is racist. Stereotypes are racist, not matter what. Ignorance of any kind is racist. Even liking someone because of their skin color is racist. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

Labeling someone or something as racist is a HUGE DEAL, with serious negative connotations. It can really hurt someone’s image and should be used cautiously and sparingly. Screaming that someone is a racist for their ignorance or assumptions is wrong. Yet our society likes to label everything and throws the word around without a thought as to how they might be affecting people.

rac·ism  [rey-siz-uhm]  

noun

1.

a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that  one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2.

a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3.

hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Origin: 
1865–70;  < French racisme.  See race2 , -ism

What is NOT racism?

SKIN COLOR DESCRIPTIONS.

“John, the black guy over there.” This is not a racist way of referring to someone. But everyone seems to think it is and avoid mentioning someone’s color at all cost. But this is the most logical way of pointing someone out in a crowd full of white people, is it not?  It’s the most logical. Yet people hesitate on this and do everything in their power to describe someone without mentioning their color. It’s crazy.

In my opinion, attempting color blindness is racist. Don’t pretend you don’t recognize or understand an attribute about someone, especially when it plays a large part in who they are. Most white people (unless they’re adopted into another racial category) have roots in white society and are thus going to identify with white society. Most black people (unless adopted into another racial category) have roots in black society and are thus going to identify with black society. There are always exceptions within every group of people, but making assumptions about attributes of a given race/culture is not wrong. It’s just ignorant. Which leads me to my next category…

IGNORANCE

Ignorance is NOT racist. Sure, it can be closely attributed to racism and often blurs the lines between bigotry and stupidity. But a lack of knowledge or understanding is not inherently racist. It’s purely naivety.

While I was traveling Japan, I regularly shocked and impressed my Japanese acquaintances because I could use chopsticks expertly and I LOVED sushi. But everyone I met had the impression that Americans had no clue how to use chopsticks and that Americans hated sushi. At first their shock was cute, but after a while it wore on me and I get pretty tired of people saying, “WHAT??? You like Sushi??? But you’re white!?!?” I could have easily started saying, “Don’t make so many assumptions about white people, you racist Japanese jerks!!” But I understood where they came from. Most Americans know NOTHING about Japanese culture,  can’t handle chopsticks, and the idea of eating raw meat terrifies them (which is becoming less the case in recent years, but that’s not the point).

Yes, it is ignorant and sometimes embarrassing to run across someone who knows nothing about a particular racial/ethnic group, especially if they buy into the most stereotypical stereotypes. But is it really their fault? Are we supposed to teach ourselves the nuances of every culture in the world? That can be almost impossible when one comes form a homogeneous society. Yes, it’s a good idea to educate oneself as often as possible—but not everyone can/will do that. And we, the more “educated” and “understanding” should be loving and kind to those who just “don’t get it.” Instead of judging and hating them for their apparent stupidity.

STEREOTYPES

There are stereotypes that are racist. But not every stereotype is racist. It goes along with ignorance. Buying into stereotypes is sometimes the only information one has ever gathered about a certain racial/cultural group. Sure, stereotypes may prominently display one’s ignorance and possible stupidity, but they do not necessarily infer hatred/dislike/or disgust with someone of another race.

“All black people are good at basketball” or “All Asians are good at math” is not a hateful stereotype that puts one group above another. It just shows ignorance.

“All white Americans are loud and self important” is a stereotype I came across quite often in Japan. This is when stereotypes become hurtful and thus, racist. Being noisy got us dirty looks quite often. But a lot of Americans are this way, so I don’t blame them for making that assumption. I’m pretty quiet and wouldn’t claim self-importance, so the stereotype doesn’t apply to me, but that doesn’t mean people didn’t avoid me because of it. It wasn’t fair.

IN CONCLUSION

Labeling someone a racist can be a very hurtful and damaging thing and should thus be a label we use sparingly and carefully.

Just because someone points out what color your skin is, doesn’t mean they hate you or want you to feel like you’re not part of the “in” group. They might just be pointing out an obvious fact for logical convenience. Don’t hate and label someone because of their ignorance about your culture/race or because they buy into stereotypes about you. Yes, you’re allowed to be frustrated or annoyed, but don’t let that take over you and your perception of someone else or their race/culture group! These people may have never had any contact with any other culture but their own! Don’t think yourself better just because you understand something that they don’t. You might be able to learn something from them about yourself, that is just as embarrassingly ignorant.

It’s our job to meet people where they are, teach them to understand the beautiful diversity that God has placed in this world, and LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE.

WHAT GIRLS (SHOULD) REALLY WANT IN MEN

Some girls have no standards. If there are “boy parts” and he talks to her, she’ll swoon.

Other girls have a few more standards. “Of course, he has to be a Christian”, they say as if it’s obvious. “And of course he has to pray at least five times a day, attend church regularly, run a bible study, be a virgin, and volunteer ten percent of his time. Oh yeah, and he has to be at least six feet tall with blonde hair and green eyes!”

And they wonder why they can’t find a suitable mate.

So where is a healthy medium? A standard that every man can aspire to? Does it look anything like this list?

• Big muscles
• Height
• Good looks
• A nice wardrobe
• Money

Those are all really nice things to have. Who doesn’t want a good looking guy? Or a guy with money? There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting these qualities in your choice of mate. But they are secondary. Which means they should only be taken into account when the list of primary traits are already met.

So what are primary traits we ladies should look for? These are (should be) obvious, but I’ll list them anyway.

• That he loves the Lord God with all his heart, soul, and mind. (Matthew 22:37)
• That he loves other’s as he loves himself. (Matthew 22:38)

Like I said. DUH. But what do these traits actually look like in real life?

He is LOVING – Towards you, others, and towards God. Watch how he treats the people closest to him [his MOM] or the people around him. Especially the people who make him angry. Watch his actions to find how important God actually is to him. This will show you his true character. If he’s sweet and loving to you, but acts like a demon to his mother… maybe you ought to think twice about him. If he says he loves God, but never goes to church, never prays, or never cracks open the Bible (and won’t even talk about God with you) you might want to reconsider how you view him.

He is TRUSTWORTHY/has INTEGRITY – When he says he’ll do something, he does it—and not begrudgingly. If he says he believes something, he carries that belief into his actions in life. Of course, no one is perfect. Of course, everyone can behave hypocritically. But there is a huge difference between trying and not trying and an even more massive difference between conviction and application.

Of course, these should be important and a big deal within life. Let the little things slide. Choose your battles wisely—->

GUY: “Oh yeah honey, I’ll make sure I refill those ice trays when I use the last cube!”

GIRL: “Thank you honey! You have so much integrity!”

*next day Girl finds empty ice trays*

GIRL: “WHAT? WE ARE BREAKING UP YOU SICK LIAR!” (Bad response)

But more like this—->

GIRL: “Honey! My brother is getting married tomorrow! Will you go with me to the wedding? You told me last week and last month that you could so I’m hoping you’re still planning on it.”

GUY: “Of course! I’ll be there Boo Boo!”

*next day Girl goes to wedding but Guy never shows up, never calls, never texts. When she get’s into contact with him later, he say’s he forgot or just changed his mind..etc. This kind of thing happens often*

GIRL: “WE ARE BREAKING UP YOU SICK LIAR!” (Good response)

This is a much more appropriate response on her part and in fact a very wise one. Don’t stick with a guy who treats you or your time like it means nothing. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t value you the way you know you need to be valued and who doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve. But remember to treat him with respect as well, give allowances when needed, and be understanding.

He is  ATTRACTIVE TO YOU. Yes, this is very important. With a huge emphasis on “to you”. It doesn’t matter if he meets the world’s standard of “good looking” or even if your friends agree that he is attractive. Personality plays SOOOOO much into good looks it not even funny.

Don’t buy into “stepping up” or “stepping down” when it comes to looks. “She’s a ten, but he’s barely a three. I can’t believe they’re together!” is a sad statement to make. Of course, if she’s “settling” because she’s desperate and also finds him completely unattractive… that’s just a tragedy to both of them.

If you care for him and him for you, and he’s your match in personality… Looks don’t matter. Of course, if you’re repulsed/grossed out/disinterested, you’re not only cheating yourself, you’re cheating him.  If he treats you well and you admire and respect him, allow that to shape how you view him. Not how pretty his eyes are, or how muscular/tall/ideal he is. The physical attraction can grow over time. Just allow it to and don’t allow your preconceived notions of what is attractive (muscles, height, pretty eyes) stunt you from growing in your acceptance of him. No one else’s opinion matters! All that matters is that YOU find him attractive and YOU want to be with him!

Finally, make sure that you PRAY. Not because God is going to give you some magical revelation that this or that boy is “the one” or even that you will know the answers any more than you did before. Praying (most likely) won’t make you feel “enlightened” or more perceptive and it won’t help you feel more “sure” about any one decision. But it might. So give it a whirl. And it might help you in ways that are not immediately obvious. But in my opinion, prayer is meant to be practiced regularly so that you are keeping your focus on GOD. So that you are regularly reminded of what all of this is REALLY about—God and his Kingdom.