Impatience + Jealousy = ANGER

Right now I’m fighting some overwhelming impatience, jealousy, and anger. I’m trying my best not to feel this way, but I’m imperfect. I can’t help it. I have always had issues with patience when it comes to events in my life. I’m overwhelmingly patient with people, but underwhelmingly impatient for things I want. I want to be married to Jack and we have to wait. We have already been waiting. I’m jealous of all the others in my friend-group who are getting things (jobs, marriage etc) waaaaaay before me. The anger is directed at God, which isn’t right, at myself for failing in so many ways and for being so weak, and at our entire situation.

IMPATIENCE

Some issues have come up recently with Jack and I. All of them pushing me towards extreme impatience in our relationship and where it’s headed.

At the beginning of the summer, I reached the end of my hypothetical rope of tolerance in our physical relationship. Basically, I said that if we didn’t stop with the physical stuff COMPLETELY, I would need to take a break from our relationship for the duration of time he was in school or until we could be married (which is looking like it isn’t until he is done with school). I knew, and still know, that I can’t tell him no in the moment. When he initiates, 95% of the time I go right along with him, even though I know I shouldn’t and even when I don’t really want to/am not in the mood. My obligation and desire to please him is much stronger. If he can’t be the stronger one, then I shouldn’t be alone with him. I know that if I can’t be alone with him for another second until we get married, I’ll be able to handle it. What I can’t handle is the emotional roller-coaster. Expressing our love is wonderful in the moment, but causes intense heartache in me for the following days or weeks. It makes me miss him, makes me wish I was with him, and makes focusing on my life, interests, and hobbies much more difficult. I don’t know why that is; but I am who I am.

Anyway, we were good for months. All summer, we didn’t lay a hand on each other. It was WONDERFUL. I felt content, happy, and oh so patient. It probably helped that we spent more quality time together, too. No stupid school to get in the way. But now everything is going back to the way it was before. The night before he started school, we messed up again. And that has continued almost every weekend since he’s started. I know its the stress that makes it harder for him to control himself. I’m not mad at him. But I’m reaching the end of my rope again. I can’t keep doing this. And we still have a year before we can stop trying not to “be together” while we’re together.

The more we are physical, the more impatient I feel. It’s unbearable right now.

JEALOUSY

My jealousy isn’t helping. Young couples all around me, at my church and even my close friends and family are getting engaged and married. So many of them much younger than me. So many of them have gone straight from college to a good job and then straight to marriage. It’s worse when I compare how they have lived their lives with how I’ve lived mine. I know I’m not perfect either and it’s wrong to compare, but I do. I’m human. Sue me.

I have strived my entire life to follow God and do the right thing. I have attempted to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” and have followed after him with a fervor. I have never gone through a “rebellious stage” and have been steadily growing in my faith from childhood. Every decision I have made (for the most part) has been made in consideration of His Will and the well-being of those around me. I strive to show the fruits in my life. And yet, those people I know who have just turned back to God, those who are still struggling with deep rooted sin, people who are mean, selfish, and even malicious towards me and my friends; they are able to have this now. They didn’t have to wait. They get what they want.

I don’t understand. It’s so upsetting.

I know I shouldn’t look at other people. But it’s difficult when what I want is so close, but yet, so far away. It’s hard when the people around me have things handed to them so easily–or those who have not been following Him, turn around and decided to follow Him, and then have everything they’ve ever wanted handed to them on a silver platter.

I think of how what Job said, “Why do the wicked live, reach old age, and grow mighty in power?” As he laments his losses. But, then, I must remember the words of Asaph in Psalm 73 “But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.”  He understood how I am feeling, and thus I should take heart what he goes on to say.

“But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors!”

ANGER

The combination of all of these things make me furious. Furious that we have to wait. Furious that everything, it seems, has set us up for failure. Our natures. Our desires. Our Love. Paul said to the Corinthian singles “…I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Cor 7:8-9)

But we cannot get married. We are “burning with passion” but can’t change our situation. All of this is currently working against us in our desire to wait. Also, we aren’t getting any younger. I’m 26 and have been ready to be married since long before I’ve met him. I’m saying this just to make the point that we aren’t children hoping to hurry and grow up. We are adults that are being forced to live like we’re still teenagers. I can’t get a steady full time job (and trust me, I have been trying) and he’s still in school. Neither of us can support ourselves, let alone each other. It just plain sucks and there’s no other way of looking at it.

TAKE AWAY

I am ranting–a lot. I’m very upset and life is tough. But if I put things in proper perspective, it might help me out a bit.

1) I have an amazing man who wants to marry me. Not everyone has that. I should strive to be so overwhelmed with thankfulness that I can’t focus on what I don’t have.

2)  I don’t have a job that allows for self-sustaining, true. But, I have a job. I have a place to live. I have food. I need to thank God for that more often.

3) I am capable of learning from these trials. No, they are not necessary for preparation. God, in my opinion, is not putting me through this just to teach me something. Life sucks sometimes and that is just how it is; but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to learn something from this time in my life. Patience is certainly something I need to work on.

In the end, I love Jack. I love him so much that no matter how long we have to wait, it will be worth it (unless one of us suddenly dies—but that’s not something I want to get into so I’ll just shut up). I’m excited for our life together. Even though it isn’t happening when I wanted it to happen and even though this time is difficult—I must cling to the Lord. I must continue to live for Him so that I can get through this.

 

What is racism anymore??

“Ok, who’s next?” I ask my coworker Susan.
“John. The guy over there in a red collared shirt, with blue jeans.” Susan responds.
“There are several men with a red collared shirt and blue jeans…”
“Well, he’s wearing a nice watch too.” She bites her lip, obviously uncomfortable.
“Ok, that narrows things down to two people. Who the heck are you talking about?” I ask, becoming annoyed.
“Well… the one with the shorter hair.”
“Oh you mean the BLACK guy? Why didn’t you just say that in the first place? He’s the only black guy here!” I fume and approach John to invite him into my office. Time wasted for John and time wasted for me, just because my coworker was afraid to mention his race. But was she right to do that? Or wrong?

I think she was wrong.

EVERYTHING is racist these days. Pointing out someones skin color is racist. Stereotypes are racist, not matter what. Ignorance of any kind is racist. Even liking someone because of their skin color is racist. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

Labeling someone or something as racist is a HUGE DEAL, with serious negative connotations. It can really hurt someone’s image and should be used cautiously and sparingly. Screaming that someone is a racist for their ignorance or assumptions is wrong. Yet our society likes to label everything and throws the word around without a thought as to how they might be affecting people.

rac·ism  [rey-siz-uhm]  

noun

1.

a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that  one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2.

a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3.

hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Origin: 
1865–70;  < French racisme.  See race2 , -ism

What is NOT racism?

SKIN COLOR DESCRIPTIONS.

“John, the black guy over there.” This is not a racist way of referring to someone. But everyone seems to think it is and avoid mentioning someone’s color at all cost. But this is the most logical way of pointing someone out in a crowd full of white people, is it not?  It’s the most logical. Yet people hesitate on this and do everything in their power to describe someone without mentioning their color. It’s crazy.

In my opinion, attempting color blindness is racist. Don’t pretend you don’t recognize or understand an attribute about someone, especially when it plays a large part in who they are. Most white people (unless they’re adopted into another racial category) have roots in white society and are thus going to identify with white society. Most black people (unless adopted into another racial category) have roots in black society and are thus going to identify with black society. There are always exceptions within every group of people, but making assumptions about attributes of a given race/culture is not wrong. It’s just ignorant. Which leads me to my next category…

IGNORANCE

Ignorance is NOT racist. Sure, it can be closely attributed to racism and often blurs the lines between bigotry and stupidity. But a lack of knowledge or understanding is not inherently racist. It’s purely naivety.

While I was traveling Japan, I regularly shocked and impressed my Japanese acquaintances because I could use chopsticks expertly and I LOVED sushi. But everyone I met had the impression that Americans had no clue how to use chopsticks and that Americans hated sushi. At first their shock was cute, but after a while it wore on me and I get pretty tired of people saying, “WHAT??? You like Sushi??? But you’re white!?!?” I could have easily started saying, “Don’t make so many assumptions about white people, you racist Japanese jerks!!” But I understood where they came from. Most Americans know NOTHING about Japanese culture,  can’t handle chopsticks, and the idea of eating raw meat terrifies them (which is becoming less the case in recent years, but that’s not the point).

Yes, it is ignorant and sometimes embarrassing to run across someone who knows nothing about a particular racial/ethnic group, especially if they buy into the most stereotypical stereotypes. But is it really their fault? Are we supposed to teach ourselves the nuances of every culture in the world? That can be almost impossible when one comes form a homogeneous society. Yes, it’s a good idea to educate oneself as often as possible—but not everyone can/will do that. And we, the more “educated” and “understanding” should be loving and kind to those who just “don’t get it.” Instead of judging and hating them for their apparent stupidity.

STEREOTYPES

There are stereotypes that are racist. But not every stereotype is racist. It goes along with ignorance. Buying into stereotypes is sometimes the only information one has ever gathered about a certain racial/cultural group. Sure, stereotypes may prominently display one’s ignorance and possible stupidity, but they do not necessarily infer hatred/dislike/or disgust with someone of another race.

“All black people are good at basketball” or “All Asians are good at math” is not a hateful stereotype that puts one group above another. It just shows ignorance.

“All white Americans are loud and self important” is a stereotype I came across quite often in Japan. This is when stereotypes become hurtful and thus, racist. Being noisy got us dirty looks quite often. But a lot of Americans are this way, so I don’t blame them for making that assumption. I’m pretty quiet and wouldn’t claim self-importance, so the stereotype doesn’t apply to me, but that doesn’t mean people didn’t avoid me because of it. It wasn’t fair.

IN CONCLUSION

Labeling someone a racist can be a very hurtful and damaging thing and should thus be a label we use sparingly and carefully.

Just because someone points out what color your skin is, doesn’t mean they hate you or want you to feel like you’re not part of the “in” group. They might just be pointing out an obvious fact for logical convenience. Don’t hate and label someone because of their ignorance about your culture/race or because they buy into stereotypes about you. Yes, you’re allowed to be frustrated or annoyed, but don’t let that take over you and your perception of someone else or their race/culture group! These people may have never had any contact with any other culture but their own! Don’t think yourself better just because you understand something that they don’t. You might be able to learn something from them about yourself, that is just as embarrassingly ignorant.

It’s our job to meet people where they are, teach them to understand the beautiful diversity that God has placed in this world, and LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE.